Why dont they take their belongings?

I have recently joined this forum and thankyou for your replies.

My husband left me 8 months ago for another woman. He only took with him his motorbikes, car and 2 bags of clothes. He did not change his address so all post comes to me still and he has had no inclination to take any further belongings or sort out any other details.

He shut his income into some accounts obviously to sustain the new rented accommodation for him and his new woman but has continued to pay half of the mortgage.

I naivly thought that we may have been able to reconcile so did not push for things to be taken but after 8 months and my husband making no effort to sort things out I have now had to ask him quite strongly to remove his stuff and start sorting out the paperwork, documents we have together and he appeared surprised!

Can others tell me if this is a common thing that partners seem to do? if so why do they not want to take their stuff?. Are they just thinking of themselves all the time and their new life and just cant be bothered to sort things?. Others say they are keeping their options open in case they want to come back!

What goes on in the head of a man who leaves his wife for another woman. Quite obviously they dont want the wife in their life anymore so why not take everything? clear the decks and be gone.

Many have attributed my husbands actions on the mid life crisis he is 40. I have read some books on it and he is text book style do others have ideas on this?

He had to sort out a lot of things with the new woman, accommodation and buying things for the unfurnished house so why let the paperwork , financial stuff drift at the marital home? This has caused me so much concern and sent me mixed messages but soon his stuff will be gone as I cant stand having all of him around me apart from the person himself.

What have others expereinced I would like to know. Do they have no repect at all for their spouse or are they so wrapped up in the new exciting relationship and testing out the oh so apparently green grass that they just cant be bothered?

My family told my husband how upset and "poorly" I had been and what an effect this has had on me and again he was surprised thought I was ok. And the other woman do they have no guilt how the wife might be handling things but that is a stupid question isnt it as they dont do they? She left her husband and children for my husband so dont think she would worry about me do you? ha ha.


Love this site. The pain for me goes on and last week I was in a very black place. Today I feel a little more positive and am trying to say to myself that he has now got what he wants and good luck to him. I deserve better! We all do.

love to hear from you xx

When I found out about other woman about a month after he left, I told him when I would be out one weekend and told him to come and collect his stuff and I would get a skip for anything left behind!!
I have no idea what women choose married men...I think if she does this they are welcome to each other, obviously both used to living with lies and deceit.
I know my stbx was surprised by the effect leaving me and our 2 young children has had, guess it is all in part due to his selfishness and not thinking about us...only himself!

Hi Wengen

I have no idea why some people do not bother to move their belongings... although I have some ideas about why my stbx left his with me.
In his case he walked out without telling me, with the clothes he stood up. As he frequently stayed out on benders for 3-4 days at a time, I didn't think anything of his non-appearance till after a week! When after a fortnight I rang his mobile to ask if he had left he said "yes".
That is the only 'explanation' I have ever had from him! And also the last conversation.
He did not bother to collect his things because he is incapable of facing up to his own actions. The very act of collecting belongings would be to admit that he had left his wife and young son. He also had started an affair, and he presumably wanted to keep me in 'reserve' in case it didn't work out. (I had taken him back 8 months earlier so I guess he thought that I might do it again?!)
Finally, he is just not interested in material things. He will happily stay in the same (unwashed) clothes. Doesn't care about anything except drinking and playing his guitar - he took that with him alright!).
I bagged all his stuff up and his parents very kindly took it all off my hands (either that or the dump!). There it all remains 10 months later. Including photos of his beautiful children that he doesn't bother to see...

My husband was never good at sorting out stuff. He would hang on to clothes until they fell apart, keep all letters in original envelopes etc. His father was just the same.

But I think they also leave things because they like to think that everything is going to stay the same.

My ex left in July and in the summer holidays (I work in a school) I expected that he would gradually take things away. He didn't. So I asked him to. Nothing happened. So I put it all in boxes in our spare room. He was annoyed because he didn't know where things were, so I said he could take them all and sort them out. Nothing happened.

My Mum was coming to stay at Xmas so I moved it all to the hall cupboard.

Last time husband spoke about it, he said he had his new place's loft boarded over and could take it away. He hasn't. If its still there at half-term I'm putting it in the garage and if he says anything I shall say he's b***** lucky it isn't in the bin!

my husband left 8 months ago aswell - he is 44. He has only taken with him suitcase of clothes - i have wardrobe full to the brim with clothes - shoes - suits - etc etc still here. Oh he took his stereo - speakers still in the wall - but i believe someone is coming to dig out the cables (speakers were not cheap) The first i knew he was not coming back was lawyers letter 6 weeks after he left telling me breakdown of marriage and no hope of reconciliation - he has yet to tell me this himself, He said he was just bored with family life. We have been together 17 years married for 10 and have 10 year old child. He has new crowd of mates all of whom have been there and bought the t-shirt. Anyway the day i went to a lawyer he told me he had put stop to lawyer as he believed we could sort out financial matters ourselves first - but after 5 months of nothing i decided to ask what was to happen - he just flew of the handle everything was his way or nothing at all - so told him to put proposal in writing. I then went to a lawyer and things are just going round in circles at the moment - getting nowhere fast. So within 8 months he has had 2 holidays, removed funds from our joint mortgage and bought himself another home - he sees our daughter a few hours a week, hardly every phones her - yet he believes everything he is doing is for her benefit. Meanwhile i am at my wits end trying to stick to my guns as untimatly is me who is going to have to find another home for myself and my daugher - he has nothing to worry about now as nice new home and nice new furniture.
But ive got everything here to clear up get rid of etc.
He has graciously told us we can have everything in the house, but by time house is sold we wont have enough to buy another place, and at the moment the only way i can move forward is to move back to my mums (2 bed house) so can only take minimum things we need - cant afford storage - so looks like i have a whole house of stuff to get rid off.
I feel it has been too easy for him to walk out - start afresh -
has put himself first 100% -

Hi Wengen

Sorry to hear that you are going through this, you are in the right place here on Wiki, lots of people have gone/are going through the same as you, self included.

My husband left around 2 years ago now and he did the leaving a bit at a time thing too, over many months.

Why don't they take all of their belongings?

Possibly....They are leaving the security they had with you behind, so are probably feeling quite insecure themselves, ie. will the new relationship last? So if they don't completely go, it makes it easier for them to acually physically go. Let's face it, if they are leaving you for another then the trust issues comes in to play. Also their new partner will see all of their stuff and that may be too much information at the start.

Or they may be attention seeking. They want to leave with impact, so leave you with memories of them all around you.

Lastly, (and this one makes me feel better usually), they are apathetic. In which case; best of luck to their new partner!

I think mine just left stuff so that I had to do all of the tidying up as always.............

Welcome to wiki, it is a good place to see that it does get better with time. It has been my rock when I get my 'down' days.

Take care, feel free to pop into chat, you will be very welcome there.

I personally think its akin to that thing kids do of licking the bun they want so no one else can have it - or like the German practice of getting your towel on the sunbed early doors so everyone else thinks its taken. Theres definately something of the keeping their marker there. When my husband left me the first time - he had his designer suits out of the house before I'd even known that he had gone. When I stupidly took him back I did ask what that was about and he said he was convinced I would have cut the sleeves off everything. He was obviously watching too many soaps as if he knew me at all he'd know I hated domestic science and would have had better things to do with my time that bruising my fingers trying to cut through suit sleeves. Mind you I was alot more firey in those days by the time he went the second time hed practically knocked the fight out of me so no wonder hes been happy to leave his crap here for me to store for the last two years.

Bag it up Wengen and sling at the front of his new house unless you are afraid hes going to stop paying the mortgage - if that is the case or indeed likely - put it all in bin liners (buy good ones though because its very annoying when they rip) and stuff it somewhere you dont much need to go - it is quite rewarding doing that and obviously if it spoils it spoils thats life.